Episode 2: Schrödinger's brats
Many quantum physicists believe that a particle exists in two places until it’s observed. Schrödinger sought to dispel that theory. “One can even set up quite ridiculous cases,” he wrote. In one, the cat, tied to a radioactive tube that had some possibility of killing it, could only be either alive or dead, no matter if we’ve observed yet.
Wait — this isn’t a newsletter on quantum mechanics, this a newsletter about finding people on the internet. We have an equally ridiculous case in today’s Private Inquiry. In our collective metaverse thought experiment, aka Twitter, there’s one @schrodingrsbrat. Let’s call her Cherry 🍒 for now.
Then in our alternate universe, Instagram, we have the other @
Cherry’s account is niche famous, full of advice on human nature and psychology. Nancy herself has gone viral on Tiktok (@schrodingersbrat) for a life-changing garlic hack. But they do have quite a few similarities; all the more need to differentiate themselves.
“I’m not a fan of her writing, which is disappointing to experience as my metaverse counterpart but also, who cares what I think, I would only recommend listening to me for garlic advice,” said Nancy, true to her brat name. “Maybe she’s not a fan of my Instagram thirst traps and we’ll call it a draw.”
On the Internet, the only thing you have is your unique identity. That’s why some parents reserve their kids’ websites, emails, and social media accounts before they’re even born. That’s what’s kept me from writing in public for a while, I suppose, for fear of that lasting digital fingerprint. But we’re nothing until observed, no?
Cherry says of this (replying to a different Tweet),
I read deep into Cherry’s archives and even her college psych essays in the same vein of work. She’s an avid Tweeter and only claimed the Schrödinger name (or kept her tweets) since mid 2022. Nancy claims to have had the Instagram since at least 2017.
There are a few other Brats on the Twitterverse. One is @schrodingerbrat (no s), who’s only tweeted once per the chart above. Another is @schrodingersbrt (no a), who has only two followers, one of which seems like the account holder, not necessary to dox here.
In terms of SEO, there’s an erotica author who’s claimed the name of Schrödinger’s Brat proudly for her writing. She’s likely also the holder of @schrodingersbrat on Reddit, who only posts nsfw on r/sociopath. Herein lies one complexity of sharing identities on the Internet.
Luckily, I’ve analyzed for our Brats the availability of a few alternatives. Why not Schrödinger’s Rat, a blog about whether NYC’s rodents exist if no one takes the subway? Why not Schrödinger’s Gnat, a wall of life’s observable pests? And no one has taken Schrödinger’s ChatGPT as an identity, so relevant for today’s internet?
Cherry and Nancy have acknowledged the presence of each other through DM. So I suppose we can let them co-exist in the world and happily observe both.
I did take the liberty of purchasing schrodingersbrat.com just so I could join the brat race. It redirects to this newsletter. (Just kidding Nancy, I’ll give it to for your birthday.)
Until next time!
Who do you want to know?
Share your private inquiries with me to research at privateinquiry@substack.com! I’d love to hear about that one Hinge date who ghosted you, the missing second cousin once removed, the person who trolled you on Twitter, or whatever mysteries you come across. I will use only public data and keep you as anonymous as you want. Please no actual true crime.
Omg a meta analysis
BRATS!!